tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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