dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
