Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
