I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
