Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
