I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
