living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
