I will die if light touches me.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
