I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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