Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nicole vs. Life
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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