Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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