Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
