Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
