Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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