dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
