i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
