At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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