I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
