So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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