I got chris browned last night
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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