That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
