Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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