i was born a porn star she said
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
