he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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