Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
