6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
