Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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