The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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