I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
