dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
