Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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