Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
