Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
