Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
