i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
