You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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