It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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