Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
this must be what syphilis tastes like
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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