I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
