Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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