please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I did not marry a roomba.
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