I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
