I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
