guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
