I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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