I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
