did you get engaged???
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm both gender and math confused
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
