so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My ass is underappreciated
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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