I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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