I'd wear matching sweaters with you
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
